when did life get so difficult?

Who decided that life had to be so hard?  Who decided that life isn't fair? Who decided that terrible things happen to amazing people? Oh, yeah, that's right, God.

I don't know why You do things things, God. I have no idea. And I never will. All I know is that you have a plan. And that I have to trust in it. You make all things work together for MY good. You know what is going on and You always have control. I just wish it wasn't so freaking hard to see the good in my life. The good is completely hidden underneath the bad. And I feel like i try SO hard to see the good in my life and people. But I can't. I can't accept Your plan no matter how much I want to. I have so much trouble accepting who I am in You. I take everything in my life for granted but that's because I don't know any different. And I don't want to be one of those people that learns the hard way that she had a good life. That she had an amazing family and fantastic friends but I'm at a complete loss of what to do. I know I need You. But it's the desire to chase after You just like You're desperately chasing after me right now. I know You won't give up, and that's part of the problem. I know You'll always want me. There isn't anything I could possibly do to make You love me less, want me less, or not want me to come sprinting to You. (Ahhh the sweet release of the tears, finally) All I've ever known is that You want me. Regardless of my past or anything else. You just want me, whole-heartily. And maybe, just maybe, if I did love You the way You love me; unconditionally, life wouldn't be so hard, maybe a little more fair, and maybe I'd start to see the good....

to be continued...

'Fragile' By Maria Mena

I've been walking around all day,Thinking. Ever have those days? Those seem to be all of my days...
I think I have a problem, Too too too many
I think I think too much. I THINK WAY TO DANG MUCH. IT'S ALL I DO.
I've been taught to hold back my tears, Exactly. Crying shows weakness...wrong-o....
And avoid them. Avoid. Avoid. Avoid. Always the easy way out. Never the right answer.
But you make pain into something I could touch. You made pain a real thing. Not just a word.

I've been walking around all day, Laughing. Laughing at how ridiculous I let myself get.
I think I'd be better off without you here. I KNOW I'd be better off.
And I bet you're sweet and hard to get over. The HARDEST to get over.
So I'll cry and people will stop and stare. The sweeeet release of built up everything from the past 4 months.
Now that's okay. Let them stop and stare. I'm tired of changing for OTHERS. sick and tired!

Cause I am fragile. I am so fragile from my past. vulnerable and scared to let anyone in. 
I am hopeless. Hopeless for the future. hopeless for school. lots of hopelessness..some hopefulness.
I'm not perfect. Not in any way at all. i find flaws everyday. but i am growing from them
But I am free. So so so free from all of the things i used to be. and what used to define me.

I've been walking around all day, Waiting. I wait & wait instead of making what i want to happen, HAPPEN!
And waiting is all I seem to do. It's ALL i do. i want to be proactive. i want to do things. but i wait.
Cause I never get it unless I'm fed it. I was spoon fed everything. it's biting me in the butt now.
But this time I'll just have to. Time to start doing it on my own i guess.
Yeah this time I'll just have to. Get off my butt and start getting what I WANT. 

Cause I am fragile. I am so fragile from my past. vulnerable and scared to let anyone in. 
I am hopeless. Hopeless for the future. hopeless for school. lots of hopelessness..some hopefulness.
I'm not perfect. Not in any way at all. i find flaws everyday. but i am growing from them
But I am free. So so so free from all of the things i used to be. and what used to define me.

Say you're not around, Am I finished? I'm tired of being defined by the others in my life. it's MY life.
If you're not around, that's too bad. Out of sight, out of mind. I'm better off without you. 
Hope you're safe and sound, not alone now. You don't deserve the worst and I'll love you forever.
Cause you know I believe in you. You meant so much to me. you'll always have a place in my heart.

Cause I am fragile. I am so fragile from my past. vulnerable and scared to let anyone in. 
I am hopeless. Hopeless for the future. hopeless for school. lots of hopelessness..some hopefulness.
I'm not perfect. Not in any way at all. i find flaws everyday. but i am growing from them
But I am free. So so so free from all of the things i used to be. and what used to define me.

Cause I am fragile. I am so fragile from my past. vulnerable and scared to let anyone in. 
I am hopeless. Hopeless for the future. hopeless for school. lots of hopelessness..some hopefulness.
I'm not perfect. Not in any way at all. i find flaws everyday. but i am growing from them
But I am free. So so so free from all of the things i used to be. and what used to define me.

Cause I am fragile, But growing everyday. stronger and stronger.
hopeless, But i hope for less hopelessness everyday.
I'm not perfect, But learning to be okay with who i am. people love me for me. imperfections and all.
But I am free. Free from my past because I'm finally learning to love it. its a part of me. forever & always

oh oh oh oh...




If these lyrics don't explain my mood perfectly, nothing else will.


My head and heart have been clouded recently. and i still cant think straight. but this makes some of the nonsense going on upstairs. 


If you've never heard of this song. DOWNLOAD IT. It's amazing and everyone can relate. What's not to like?

KENNESAW BOUND

homegirl right here just got accepted into KENNESAW STATE UNIVERSITY and will beginning this adventure in her life come january.


aahhhh i reallly am so excited about KSU. But currently i'm pulling an all nighter for a sociology test in 7 hours sooooo i have to go study.

Keep it realllll. GOOOO OWLSSSS! :)

i'm in it for the love of the game

i can't imagine being where i am now without the people that have really stuck with me. sometimes i can be really difficult to be friends with. i'm opinionated out the wazoo and have been taught to stand my ground. i love hearing other people's opinion, but i will usually stick to mine. i have my own ideas for things that don't always go along with everyone elses. i'm never like everyone else. the feeling of being just like everyone else makes me feel sick to my stomach. God created me, to be, ME. If He wanted us all to be exactly the same, He would have created us all the same. but He didn't. and there is reason for that. 

we can all learn from each other. if we were all the same, we'd act the same, talk the same, know the same things, and the world would be a vicious cycle of nothingness and boringness. i don't know about you, but that sounds like the least amount of fun i could possibly imagine. i don't wanna be like everyone else. i don't want to follow the crowd. i want to be me, and if someone has a problem with that, then they need to check themselves and see what THEIR problem is, because they will NOT be my problem. 

i've decided other people will NOT be my problem. EVER. i'm going for a less dramatic life from now. every girl says they hatehatehate drama, but in reality, every girl in the back of their mind THRIVES on it. it's crazy, yeah, but there's something about the thrill of drama that brings out that little biatch in all of us and we secretly love it. i'm done with that high school mentality. i'm 18 and finally about to start acting like it. it's time for me to get my act together.

being stuck in lawrenceville really gives a person a lot of time to think. think about everythingggggg. think about who i NEED in my life, or who i just WANT. how much people actually mean to me, and who i want to be. being home this semester really has been a blessing. i say i hate it all the time, but thats only because i envy everyones cute dorms, sorority pictures, and new friends. and even though my mom is gone 5 days out of the week in a different state, my mom really has become one of my best friends and i look forward to her calling and coming home so that i can talk to her and tell her about my life because i know she is actually interested in my schoolwork, my friends, and everything else that's going on. and i absolutely love that. having someone that cares about me means the world to me, it makes me feel special and loved.

friends will always come and go. but your family will always be there. they're there to tell you when you're outfit looks bad, or when you have too much makeup on, or when you don't match. but they're also there to take 3886378 pictures of you at your homecomings and proms, to do your makeup for a date, or to go shopping with you, and those are the times in life when you know you've made it. 

nothing is more powerful than the love from a family. and my family could light the US with our power :)

Everything is always okay in the end, if it's not okay, then it's not the end.

going into summer, my life sucked. i was newly single for the first time in 2 years, and was completely at a loss of friends. that was probably one of the lowest points in my entire life. i didn't even know what to do with myself. until the 4 best friends i could ever imagine swooped me out of the valley and back into a beautiful life. they changed me forever. college has violently torn us all in different directions and has had some good and bad effects on us. i have definitely learned a lot through them though. 


but the major change came from Camp All American. Yeah, it suckkkkkedddd waking up at 6:25 Monday-Friday, yes it sucked sitting in traffic and speeding to get to work by 8, dealing with whining, bratty, tired kids. yes it sucked staying for late camp and playing in the splash pad. yes it sucked being late for every activity and hearing complaints. yes, it sucked when i got a parent complaint the last week of camp saying i needed to be more enthusiastic with my campers. yes, it sucked missing out on almost everything with my friends. but i wouldn't trade a SECOND of my summer with those amazing little kids for anything. it was the most important summer of my life and i can't wait to see if my life leads me back to CAA next summer. 


one little boy made the biggest difference in my life at CAA. Brett Barber. He was my 4 year old boyfriend, and i was his 18 year old girlfriend. that little boy seriously made my day everyday when he chose me over every other counselor. i was his favorite and i wouldn't have wanted it any other way. he was the biggest brat at camp. but definitely the cutest with his bleach blond hair, and his bright blue eyes, Brett barber stole my heart in the cutest little way this summer. whenever i needed a hug all i had to do was ask and he'd come running into my arms with the biggest hug ever. he's scream my name during assembly. 'MS.ALEX MS.ALEX MS.ALEX' until i would finally look over and wave and he'd flash back the cutest shy little smile ever. one day Mr.barber started crying and no one knew what was wrong. he was practically hysterical. they came running to me, with Brett in tow, and threw him into my arms. within seconds the screams had calmed and he was quiet. when he was okay, i took him aside and asked him why he was so upset. when he took his thumb out of his mouth to answer, he looked up at me with those big blue eyes and simply said 'i didn't know where you were' 


a 4 year old boy cared enough about me to freak out just to get to me. to me. just one out of about 100 other counselors and he wanted me. to this day i don't even know why Brett barber and i connected the way we did. and i really hope to see him next summer. but even if i don't the way he impacted me will stay with me forever.


Camp All American changed me forever and I love it.

Brett Barber and I :)

speak your mind. you're always telling me i need to open mine.

Today was a veryyyyy good day. It started off by me getting an 80% on my first college math test. Not spectacular, but considering i had a good 2 hour tutoring session for every math test my junior and senior year of hs and did not have one for this, its prrrrretty amazing if you ask me! then i found out i made a 93% on my first college essay. pretty FANTASTIC if you ask me! I was incredibly happy because i was super iffy on that paper and where it was going. thennnn to top it all off i got the job i had applied and interviewed for for my English 1101 class! i am now officially a project manager for my team to work with Read Aloud Chattanooga and couldn't be more excited! AND NERVOUS OUT OF MY MIND!


I've come to realize nothing in life is certain. at all. except Jesus. but that is a given. in a matter of seconds, everything can change. friends turn on you and they move on. and you can either let it effect you forever. or put your big girl panties on, grow up and MOVE ON. I'm moving on. and i know it's for the best.

I'm certain that I've given, and oh, how you can take. There's no use in you looking, there's nothing left for you to break

everyone knows what its like to feel drained; to feel pulled in every direction possible. that's how i felt recently. I've been striving for about the last 18 years or so to make everyone else happy. if others were having a good time, i should be too..that was my thought process. i felt as though if everyone else was happy, i should be too..regardless of how i actually felt, or what mood i was in. i sacrificed a lot...a LOT..for a boy..i sacrificed a lot for friends, for people i thought would be around, but ended up walking out the door as soon as things got tough. i sacrificed for things that i KNEW wouldn't last, but i just didn't want to listen because i thought they would make me happy forever...because that's what seemed to be working for everyone else. people with boyfriends or girlfriends seemed happy...so i thought that's what i needed...people partied and life seemed great for them..so why not? 

but I'm not like other people. at all. nor do i want to be. i always assumed that to be happy, be like the happy. do as the happy do, say as the happy say...but I've come to realize...the 'happy' are not happy. at all....the happy are the ones living their own lives. not dependent on anyone or any superficial thing. they believed in themselves and had enough self worth to be happy. 

i only know of about 3 things that make me whole heartily HAPPY. not things i like, or that makes me smile, but genuinely happy. 

1. Camp All American- something about CAA changed me forever. i met some of the most amazing, welcoming, humble, and beautiful on the inside and out people. i think about the kids i worked with everyday and feel overwhelmingly blessed when i think about the love i showed them and the amount of love they showed me right back.

2. my family- yes, we have our problems, yes we fight, almost daily. but the love i feel and get from my family is powerful. my sisters and i will always have a bond that no one else will understand. we were raised differently from other families. we had muffins for dinner and we had a nightly shower routine and we still fight when we (i) steal each other (their) clothes. they make my life happy because they understand me better than anyone else ever ever ever ever will. and don't even get me started on my mom and dad....I'll never shut up.

3.Bruner & Q.T.- yes, they are dogs. i am completely aware that when people tell me 'but they're just dogs' that they are dogs. obs. but imagine....coming home, having the worst day and being around grumpy, pissed off people all day, and coming home to the 2 cutest faces in the entire world. and they are always happy to see me. whether i have makeup on, dressed cute. and the best part is, they always listen to me,yeah i talk to my dogs. they will love me regardless of if I'm funny, rich, or am having a good or bad day. their wagging tail always brightens my day and when Bruner jumps up on the couch and nuzzles his way right next to me and just lays with me, i am completely happy. Bruner & Q.T. make my heart literally hurt because i love them so much.

4. COMING SOON.

Yes, i have amazing things in my life, yes I love everyone in my life, and yes, i love you even if you aren't on this list. its just a list...my list...no one else's. just for me. 

my life is about to dramatically change, i hope. for the better. I'm ready for the roller coaster and I'm ready to hold on for the wild ride.