hitting walls and getting scars only makes you who you are.

i don't ask for that much. minimal really. my sisters might beg to differ, but honestly, i don't ask for anything. the only thing i ask is for people to be there for me when i need them to be. not even all the time. i don't expect anyone i know to drive through the night to come be by my side. and i've only recently found out how sad that is. that i do not have one friend that i know for a fact would risk their own life just to help me. and who knows? maybe i do. but my friends sure as hell don't act like it. i'm available to every single one of my friends 24/7, by choice. i do that because i don't have that. i see the effects it has had on me and i hate it, and i never want anyone close to me to go through with that. 


Sure, I have great friends. sure do. and i'm not complaining about my friends, i love them to absolute pieces, this is just something that has come to my attention recently and needed to get it off my heart. i've come to trust very few people. less than 3 probably. my sisters, and my best friend hillary. i've gotten really really close with a lot of people and have let in my life and let my guard down to them, but never will i ever trust them with what i trust those 3 people. it's not worth the risk. especially when i hear the way they talk about their 'best friends' HELL NO. i'm not stupid. i know the difference in giving someone my trust and being friends. my trust has been broken so many times that its not fair to myself to keep getting let down time and time again. i respect myself too much to have someone disrespect it like that. 


I've clung to myself for my main source of wisdom and strength. it's all i know anymore. i seem to be the only person that knows how to cheer myself up or anything like that. and i'm perfectly fine with that. it's easier to rely on only myself then have to worry about keeping up with all these people that have such a high potential of hurting me. that doesn't sound fun at all. so why put up with it? 


i know sooner or later i'll find that group that i know for a fact will be there for me just as much as i'm there for them, and maybe that will just always be my family, and i'm okay with that. but i'm okay waiting and not wasting my time on people who won't love me for who i am and what i stand for. 

Long time, no blog

I've been wondering why I've been in such a bad mood lately. And why I keep gossiping and talking about people I love behind their backs. (Completely inexcusable and rude, I know, but I take FULL responsibility for it) and I finally figured out it was because it had been SO LONG since I left everything I was feeling here. The whole reason for the creation of this blog was so that I could say what I wanted without spreading the hate and meanness that spawns from gossip. 


I don't know why I feel the need to talk about others. Why do I think I'm any better than anyone. I'm not. But my desire to find 'new dirt' on people is absolutely ridiculous. And I hate it so much. That's not who I am and that is so not how my momma raised me. At. All. I guess spending so much time with the same friends everyday will has made me more aware of it. When girls get together, it's practically instinct to talk shit. Honestly, it's exciting, it's fun, and of course everyone wants to be in the loop of what's changed or who did what with who last night. 


But why do we care so much? It's not like what everyone else does effects our daily lives. Yeah, sometimes it can. But why do we let it alter our lives. That's not fair. Why have we decided that our life can be permanently impacted by why others do and say? Why can we not be okay with letting everything roll of our backs? Where has all our confidence in ourselves gone? And is it too far away to ever get back to the mindset of how we were in kindergarten? Where nothing mattered except who had more crayons and whose mom had packed a better lunch with more sweets. 


It's questions like this that drive me crazy. I lie in my bed at night just pondering these things. I think I'm pretty, I think I'm nice, I think a lot of great things about myself, but as soon as I'm around others, all of that is completely gone and all I can focus on is how bad my skin is, or how big my legs are, or how I really need to get my eyebrows waxed. Regardless of how I actually look that day, even if my skins clear, I'm wearing jeans, or if I just got my eyebrows done, I always revert to the little self conscious 8th grader I am inside. The girl who tried way too freaking hard to be someone she wasn't. The girl who pretended she was always okay and that everything was perfect when inside she was lonely and so so so unhappy with who she was because she couldn't stop comparing herself to the beautiful girls she saw everyday. So she covered her 'flaws' with TONS of makeup, her sister's clothes, and humor. She took pride in being funny. 'If they were laughing, then they aren't focused on how horrible I look today' she would tell herself. That's the girl deep down inside of me. The girl I've only let ONE person truly see. That little girl is what make me, me. She will always be a part of me, and I'm proud of her when a little bit of her shows. But I get so mad at myself when I cover her up. When I lie to people about why I wear makeup and why I go running I get so pissed off at myself. I don't know why I try and cover myself up. I almost feel as though if I lie, it will just make life easier. If no one knows, then no harm no foul. When I let people into that part of my life, I have nothing to fall back on. No fake things to run back to. And that scares me to death. 


And it's not like I'm not genuine or real or anything like that. Completely two different areas of life. I'm a real friend, and a real daughter and everything like that. I'm down to earth and thank my lucky stars everyday for everything I have. I just wish I could have the confidence to show how confidently I am on the inside, on the outside. I love who I am on the inside, but there are somedays where I absolutely hate who I am on the outside. 


I'm almost 19 years old. Why can't all these petty little self esteem issues just go away? No one ever said that I was supposed to hate who I am or anything about myself. So why do I? Which part of society thought it was cool to make innocent girls hate who they are? To hide the BEAUTIFUL person they are on the inside. Why should I have to hide who I am so that I feel better about myself? That doesn't even make sense. 


But it's almost impossible not to care what people have to say or think. It's almost like we thrive off it. We feel so accomplished if someone likes something about us. But how much better would you feel about yourself if people LOVED you for something that was really a big part of us. That secret thrill we get from someone complementing our favorite part of our body or laughing at our joke would be all the time. Instead, we usually get noticed for the things we change about ourselves for the other people. How dumbbbbbbbb! If people can't like me for the things I am and stand for? F them! I like me, and that's all that should matter. 


This is definitely a 'mental work in progress' for me. But I think it's about time for me to start maturing. This who issue eats away at me and I want to resolve it so I can help others through it. To see the so called 'light' at the end of this long tunnel of being a teenager. We'll see I guess :)

Questions Questions Questions

I can't believe I'm finally away at college. How weird. I've waited for 18 and a half years for this to come and I can't believe it's finally happening. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE IT HERE. But it is definitely very weird being away. Classes start tomorrow and I haven't been nervous about finding classed since freshman year, but oh man am I scared. But more so than being afraid of walking into the wrong classroom, I'm so much more afraid that I will waste the next 3 and a half years of my life. 


Being away from home gives you the chance to grow immense amounts. But how will I know if I'm growing into the person I'm supposed to be, or growing into the person I want to be? 


I was always afraid of rejection. I always told people that was my worst fear...but is it? I'm starting to think it isn't. Yeah, rejection SUCKS. But you can move on from that. You will eventually find people who will accept you for who you are and what you stand for. But what happens when you've been pretending your whole life? What do you do when you're out of paths to take and there are no more doors to open? When you've exhausted every resource you have and there's nothing left to do? What happens when you aren't who you're supposed to be? What do you do? Who do you turn to?


Those questions will forever be on my mind until I find peace about them. I'm hoping that peace will come over me soon. I'm hoping I grow up at my time here in Kennesaw. I'm hoping I turn out to be exactly who I'm supposed to be. 

Everyday-I love you HCW

I pray for you everyday. All the time. Every single time I think about you I pray for you. And every time it is for the same thing. I pray that you NEVER have to endure the kind of pain that comes from a heart break. I would never wish this feeling upon my worst enemy. No one deserves feeling unwanted, or unloved. The feeling of having your whole world ripped right out from underneath you. Your life turned upside down. You have no idea where to turn and you have no idea what to do next. Lost is the only word to use. You look at the person who did this, this awful, terrible, unbearable thing, to you, and they seem fine. Like nothing is wrong. And it absolutely KILLS you inside. And you pretend you're okay, and that lasts a few weeks with the help of your best friends and then all of a sudden the days get harder for you to not cry and you think about him all the time. You felt so strong for a while by yourself, and you spent so long telling yourself you'll be okay and you're better off without him, and then all of a sudden, YOU AREN'T. You aren't as strong by yourself as you've told yourself. You feel everything start to crumble and you realize just how alone you are. Yes, you have your best friends, you have the Lord, but that irreplaceable feeling of being loved that's gone leaves the biggest whole in your heart ever and you walk around every single day when that aching is going to go away. And you wonder what you could have possible done differently and what made you all of a sudden SO UNLOVABLE for someone to throw away the past years. You walk around with so much shame and regret from every single tiny mistake you made with him. Whether it was starting a stupid fight, or not grabbing his hand when you knew he wanted you too, or letting him hang out with his friends instead of you. And that pain in your head and heart kills. It kills. I've never felt anything like i before. And there is nothing you can do about it. Nothing magically makes it go away. And life is not like the movies. Hot boys do not come out of the blue. They do not instantly want you. And you start to realize how you've taken the last years  for granted. Every dinner, every time he let's you pick the movie, every kiss, hug and text with a smilie face. And that is the worst. Knowing you will never have that with him ever again. 


And I had no intention of writing this to freak you out, or scare you. this is just a way of showing you how much i love you, and how much i want you to believe in Brady and you guys. This ride, called life, sucks, but if you can hold on to the person you love, it makes it so worth it. 


We weren't as close when all this started to happen and I just wanted to catch you up on how I have been feeling for the last 6 months. It's actually taken me this long to be able to put it in words. But i do love you, best friend. And if i had a little sister, i would give this to her, but I don't so by default it's for you :) <3

Welcome Home?

Ever felt unwelcome? it's an uncomfortable, awkward, and weird feeling. one that i am all to familiar with. whether it's at school, a party, or hanging out with people i don't know all that well...so when i sense that someone else is feeling uncomfortable and unwelcome i try and go out of my way to make sure that they're enjoying themselves because i know what it's like to walk in their shoes, and it is most definitely not a fun journey. 


but you know what's interesting? once we become a Christian, the bible says that we're supposed to feel that way. that we're aliens to this earth. WE AREN'T SUPPOSED TO BELONG HERE. what we've been taught on 'fitting in' and 'following the crowd' are completely skewed. we, as Christians are supposed to be different, a kind of our own. we understand each others, and those who don't believe won't understand us, or what makes us so unbelievably happy and JOYFUL! and they never will. we aren't supposed to fit the mold, or go along with anything and everything that comes up in our lives. that's not how God planned it, and that's not the road He wants us to take. He is a completely different path, unbeaten, and rough, but with His guiding light, He walks us through each step. It's just getting to that first step in the other direction that seems to weigh on us and make the decision harder. 


^{Ephesians 2:16-22} Christ brought us together through his death on the cross. The Cross got us to embrace, and that was the end of the hostility. Christ came and preached peace to you outsiders and peace to us insiders. He treated us as equals, and so made us equals. Through him we both share the same Spirit and have equal access to the Father.That's plain enough, isn't it? You're no longer wandering exiles. This kingdom of faith is now your home country. You're no longer strangers or outsiders. You belong here, with as much right to the name Christian as anyone. God is building a home. He's using us all—irrespective of how we got here—in what He is building. He used the apostles and prophets for the foundation. Now He's using you, fitting you in brick by brick, stone by stone, with Christ Jesus as the cornerstone that holds all the parts together. We see it taking shape day after day—a holy temple built by God, all of us built into it, a temple in which God is quite at home.


In this verse, we're being told that all Christians are equal. weird thought right? i always think about other Christians who just seem to be 'better' at this whole Christianity thing to me. my pastor, some friends, my sister, my mom...it's a long list. but in God's eyes, HE DOESN'T CARE. all He cares about is my personal relationship with Him. and if it's where it's supposed to be, then i'm making Him happy. it doesn't matter if i'm out doing missions in Africa, or going to orphanages in Europe. as long as I'm following HIS plan for me, and NOT my own, i'm doing something right, and He'll continue to bless me and my journey. 


It's just weird to think that we're all equal. He loves us all the same. no matter what we do, no matter how low in the valleys we are, no matter how many times we sin in one hour, minute, or day. HE STILL LOVES US AND ALWAYS WILL. what more could i even ask for? the ultimate Father. Dad's get mad. they yell, scream, and fight with you over a lot. But the FATHER, GOD IN HEAVEN, doesn't want any of that, all He wants is your heart, mind, body, and soul. all of you. He doesn't care if your room is clean, or if you've done the dishes, or if your homework is done. He just cares about your heart. what's better?


In verse 19, it says 'You're no longer wandering exiles. The kingdom of faith is now your home country. You're no longer strangers or outsiders. You belong here-with as much right to the name Christian as anyone.


The Earth isn't meant to seem 'homey' or to feel like belong here. because plain and simple, WE DON'T. God is building His kingdom, and He's using me in it. I'm a huge part of that. sometimes taking a step back to remember that blows my mind. it's SO easy to get lost in the sea of everyone else, just going with the flow, that its also easy to forget how special and unique the Lord made me. i'm one of a kind, and thats okay with me. God doesn't want me to be like anyone else, clearly He already has someone like that person and doesn't need another. what He needs is someone like me. that's why He made me, ME. i'm supposed to be who He made me and who He has planned for me to be. and no one else. 


This whole journey is exciting. growing up is so scary, but I know the Lord won't let go of me, and I know He'll always be there with me, every step of the way. And that makes the journey seem that much easier and exciting! :)

Isaiah 41:10 Don't panic. I'm with you. There's no need to fear, for I'm your God. I'll give you strength. I'll help you. I'll hold you steady, and keep a firm grip on you. 

I am, I'm captivated by You. In all that You do, I am, I'm captivated.

cap·ti·vate [kap-tuh-veyt]
–verb (used with object),-vat·ed, -vat·ing.
1. to attract and hold the attention or interest of, as by beauty or excellence; enchant: Her green eyes and red hair captivated him.


We use this word like it's nothing. Like it doesn't mean something huge. In the song 'Captivated' By Shawn McDonald, he sings about being captivated in the Lord and all that the Lord does. He sees all the beautiful things the Lord has created, and can even see the beautiful in the not so beautiful things the Lord has created. How great does that sound? Being able to see the good in everything and everyone. And being completely captivated by God. Being consumed by His love, and actually feeling it. 


Seeing God in the world has always been a struggle for me. Focusing on the negatives has always been so much easier than working to see the positives. But in this song the way he describes it makes it sound so easy and wonderful.


The singer sees all the beauty that God has created and in seeing all that, He feels captivated by God's love and grace. How cool is that?! 


I want to see everything and feel God when I do. To see God in everything I see and do would make me so happy, and it what I truly long for. 


Short today I know, but this was on my mind :)






When I look into the mountains I see Your face
When I look into the night sky it sparkles Your Name

The wind in the clouds and the blue in the sky
The sun and the moon and the stars so high
That's what draws me to You

Chorus:
I am
I'm captivated by You
(You know that You do)
I am
I'm captivated

When I wake unto the morning it gives me your sights
When I look across the ocean it echoes Your might

The sand on the shore and the waves in the sea
The air in my lungs and the way You made me
That's what draws me to You

Chorus x2

The wind in the clouds and the blue in the sky
The sun and the moon and the stars so high
The sand on the shore and the waves in the sea
The air in my lungs and the way You made me

The blood in my veins and my heart You invade
The plants how they grow and the trees and the shade
The way that I feel and the Love in my soul
I thank you my God for letting me know

Chorus x2

I am...

Job 1:21

When my best friends and i all parted to go away for school i didn't actually think things were going to change. the first few weeks we all still texted everyday, facebook chatted often, and skyped. nothing really seemed all the different. but slowly i started the changes happening. Less texts, fewer chats, and no skype dates. and that was hard. we still called each other our 'best friends' but we definitely did NOT act that way. so why say it if it's not true. for me, it was my only way to hold on to the most amazing summer i had ever had. i wanted to bottle up all the happiness my friends had brought me and keep it forever. but i realized as the semester progressed, they were changing, and so was i. we were all in different parts of our life. and different things consumed our lives...boyfriends, sororities, sports, new friends were just some of the things my friends were experiencing that i was definitely not. 


This past weekend i grew up tremendously in one day. i realized i did not want to go back to the person i was all summer. realizing how terrible i had treated people who had done nothing wrong to me because of my new friends. it was the strangest thing of my life because i thought my summer was the greatest thing in the entire world, but then all of a sudden i was on the 'outside' of that group of friends looking in and i hatedhatedhated who they made me. in the circle you think it's the greatest thing in the entire world, but they made me who i wasn't and definitely someone i didn't want to be. don't get me wrong, i still love them to death, i just think we were meant to be best friends for a season. we needed each other in that part of out lives and then God made me realize that i don't deserve those types of friendships where i don't get anything out of. and that was just it. i had stopped getting things out of my friendships with them. and I'm not talking  about real things, like stuff and presents, i mean like emotional and that sort of stuff. i had lost my connection with them and i kept trying and trying to fix it, only to realize it was broken for a reason. 


I believe that God gives and takes away for very good reasons. He gave me the very best of friends, for that specific time in my life, and then He took them away, and until now i haven't realized why He did that to me recently. But I believe He did it to show me how completely in control He is in my life. I kept thinking how awful and terrible it would be when my friends and i grew apart. I thought they would all 4 be the bridesmaids in my wedding, but I realize God has such bigger things in store for me at Kennesaw. I firmly believe He is going to bless me beyond anything i can imagine and it's all i can do to contain my excitement for the next month or so. He's taken so much away from me only to draw me that much closer. He took my mom to Miami, He took all my friends away to school, except the select few that are in good ole Lawrenceville, but He has also blessed me with the wisdom to be patient and wait for the much better road ahead. 


Our God is most certainly a jealous God. He demands our full devotion all the time. And in return, He blesses us with material things, as well as non-material things. But because everything is the Lord's anyway, he chooses when to give, and when to take away. He has the power. I believe He has His reasons for taking away. It's not always for being disobedient, but if I am given a gift from God, and I am misusing it, it is up to Him how He reconciles with me. And I've definitely been realizing lately how God definitely does not have my full devotion and now I feel as though He is taking everything away from me, so that He is all I have left to cling on to for dear life.


Job 1:21 God gives, God takes. 
   God's name be ever blessed.

I'm praying that these next few years I will become exactly the woman of Christ that He wants me to be. That, I feel, is the only way to pure happiness. Which is all I'm after in life anyways. The pursuit of happiness. I know I won't change overnight, I know I'm going to mess up all the time, but with God's help, I'll start messing up a little less each day. Clearly I'll never be perfect, but I know one day I'll be just who God wants me to be in Him :)