I'm certain that I've given, and oh, how you can take. There's no use in you looking, there's nothing left for you to break

everyone knows what its like to feel drained; to feel pulled in every direction possible. that's how i felt recently. I've been striving for about the last 18 years or so to make everyone else happy. if others were having a good time, i should be too..that was my thought process. i felt as though if everyone else was happy, i should be too..regardless of how i actually felt, or what mood i was in. i sacrificed a lot...a LOT..for a boy..i sacrificed a lot for friends, for people i thought would be around, but ended up walking out the door as soon as things got tough. i sacrificed for things that i KNEW wouldn't last, but i just didn't want to listen because i thought they would make me happy forever...because that's what seemed to be working for everyone else. people with boyfriends or girlfriends seemed happy...so i thought that's what i needed...people partied and life seemed great for them..so why not? 

but I'm not like other people. at all. nor do i want to be. i always assumed that to be happy, be like the happy. do as the happy do, say as the happy say...but I've come to realize...the 'happy' are not happy. at all....the happy are the ones living their own lives. not dependent on anyone or any superficial thing. they believed in themselves and had enough self worth to be happy. 

i only know of about 3 things that make me whole heartily HAPPY. not things i like, or that makes me smile, but genuinely happy. 

1. Camp All American- something about CAA changed me forever. i met some of the most amazing, welcoming, humble, and beautiful on the inside and out people. i think about the kids i worked with everyday and feel overwhelmingly blessed when i think about the love i showed them and the amount of love they showed me right back.

2. my family- yes, we have our problems, yes we fight, almost daily. but the love i feel and get from my family is powerful. my sisters and i will always have a bond that no one else will understand. we were raised differently from other families. we had muffins for dinner and we had a nightly shower routine and we still fight when we (i) steal each other (their) clothes. they make my life happy because they understand me better than anyone else ever ever ever ever will. and don't even get me started on my mom and dad....I'll never shut up.

3.Bruner & Q.T.- yes, they are dogs. i am completely aware that when people tell me 'but they're just dogs' that they are dogs. obs. but imagine....coming home, having the worst day and being around grumpy, pissed off people all day, and coming home to the 2 cutest faces in the entire world. and they are always happy to see me. whether i have makeup on, dressed cute. and the best part is, they always listen to me,yeah i talk to my dogs. they will love me regardless of if I'm funny, rich, or am having a good or bad day. their wagging tail always brightens my day and when Bruner jumps up on the couch and nuzzles his way right next to me and just lays with me, i am completely happy. Bruner & Q.T. make my heart literally hurt because i love them so much.

4. COMING SOON.

Yes, i have amazing things in my life, yes I love everyone in my life, and yes, i love you even if you aren't on this list. its just a list...my list...no one else's. just for me. 

my life is about to dramatically change, i hope. for the better. I'm ready for the roller coaster and I'm ready to hold on for the wild ride.