there are a lot of things in life i regret. i regret not studying more in high school. i regret not trying at all in high school. i regret quitting cheerleading. i regret starting all the stupid fights with my sisters. i regret not ever listening to my sisters (they're ALWAYS right). i regret being so shy because i know i missed out on friendships because of it. i regret every single time I've taken my life for granted. in a second it could be gone.
I've been going over and over situations in my head replaying them over and over thinking about how they could have gone differently, or how my life would be if i had made a different choice. but that's all about to chance. clearly all the over analyzing is NOT going to change the situation. i do not have magical powers, although that would be freaking tight, and i have to learn to deal with my decisions and handle them like an adult. because as of 51 days ago. i am one. and i am more than completely ready to not only be treated like one, but ACT like. so from now on, no immature facebook posts or anything of the sorts. I'm going to start THINKING BEFORE SPEAKING. instead of my past way of speaking and then later thinking about how much of an idiot i sounded like with my statements.
most of the time my heart and my head conflict. i have a terrible time finding the balance of instinct or logic. i love trusting my gut, but a lot of the time, it's always the opposite of what my big brain (HA!) is telling me. one day i know they will work in perfect harmony, but for now, I'll add that to the mental 'to-do list' I've been keeping in my head for about the past 4 years.
4 years from now, i want to look back at my life and have the biggest smile on my face. thinking to myself how i wouldn't change a single thing. i want college to be the biggest growing, metamorphic, learning, beautiful experience in my life. i have every intention in the world to graduate a better person. i want to be known for who i am, not what I've done, who I'm friends with, or anything else except for i am in my core. i want everyone (not literally, everyone) to know me for my heart and for who i REALLY am: a genuine, carefree, free spirited, goofy woman. who messes us from time to time, but is always the first to admit she's wrong, and will do anything it takes to make it up.
i had my wake up call. and now it's time to start the long journey back to who i used to be. back to my simple days, where all it mattered with friends was if i had a good time. not if i could borrow their clothes, who was skinner, who was tanner (clearly, NEVER me), who had better clothes, skin, hair, shoes etc. that's not what life or friendships are about. i know that now. you never know who is going to hurt you, and i will forever be guarded because of my past. i didn't used to have walls with relationships, but now it feels as though i have the freaking great wall of china up. which sucks. there is no other word for it, except suck. everything about being hurt sucks. except for one thing. every time you're hurt, it makes you that much stronger. so I'm using this. ALL OF IT. all the hate, all the backstabbing, all the lost relationships, everything, and it's going to make me better, and its going to make me so much stronger.
so if you see me in a few years, ask me how strong I've gotten because its basically guaranteed that i will be hurt again. but I'll be able to say thank you eventually.
so here's to the next 4 years of living with NO REGRETS! :)
life is like an open road, you never know what's going to be over the next hill or around the next bend, but there is one thing for certain, it's always worth the ride.
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