well currently, my foot is in my mouth. i've spoken out of line. (SO SHOCKING, not) it really sucks, being hurt, i mean. because when i'm hurt, i have a one track mind and that is to hurt the person or persons who hurt me 3243546X more than they hurt me. its crazy, i know, but welcome to my life. it has nothing to do with how i was raised. clearly seeing as how i have flawless sisters. it has nothing to do with anything but myself. not my parents, not what school i go to, not how smart or dumb i am, what i have or have not experienced, who i'm friends with, what my favorite color is, or what i like to do in my free time. the only thing is has to do with is me, and me being hurt. every single person that has ever taken a breath on this crazy, stupidly beautiful green earth knows exactly what it's like being hurt. there are different types of pain. some types are self inflicted, some are brought on by others. and sometimes the most beautiful thing comes out of the most painful experience. i've wandered this insane planet asking myself every freaking day when i would actually make something of myself. i still do. i'm still waiting for that to happen. i'm not happy with who i am, where my life is going, or the way i look. i will never be satisfied with myself because i hold myself to the highest expectations knowing that i can never live up to them. ask me why in the heck i do that? there's no answer. that's just me and how i am. i'm not the strongest or weakest, i'm not the prettiest or the ugliest, i have problems in my life that i'm working on, just like everyone else in the entire world. i believe that self pity parties are the dumbest thing in the entire world. yeah, so i have bad days where i just want to sit in my room and cry, heck, i've had weeks, months where this is ALL i want to do. but do i? no, you know why? someone else has it worse than i do at that exact moment and that's a guarantee. of course i cry. come on. i'm a girl, i have emotions and I DO HAVE A HEART, SOUL, AND MY FEELINGS GET HURT TOO, i'm normal, not heartless, as some would like to think. i'm an 18 year old girl. i have fantastic things in my life (a mom and dad that would love me no matter what i did, 5 grandparents that i get to see on a regular basis, the best 2 older sisters in the entire world (NOT UP FOR DEBATE, the raines sisters are the hottest, smartest, most level headed sisters in the world, sorry any other sisters...) who have taught me more than any professor, teacher, or textbook could ever, cousins that i can actually my best friends, the cutest dogs in america, friends overseas who are amazing, and one of the best groups of friends that would be there for me before we even got off the phone when something is wrong) but i also have horrible things in my life that will never be mentioned on FACEBOOK. But all of those things, good and bad, COMBINED, make me up into who i am, alexis hope raines. and i am exactly who i am and am not changing for anyone or anything ever. whether or not people like me, is definitely their choice. and you just might me, and i'm sorry if i've ever given anyone any reason to hate me. i actually hate the word hate. i know redundant and kind of hypocritical, once again, welcome to my life. all the word 'hate' does is bring more and more negativity into this spinning ball of negativity i like to call earth. that's all we really need right, a little more hate? come on people, we have the dumbest president (yep, you can hate me for that, i give you permission, but i stand by what i say), we're in a recession (duh), and all people can do is hatehatehate. when did love STOP being the answer to everything? who the eff decided that 'hating' was the cool thing to do? i'm guilty of it too. trust me. i hate that i live at home, i hate that my mom is only home 2 days a week, i hate that my dad works all the time, i hate that my sisters are so much older than me, i hate i hate i hate i hate....i could go on for days...but WHY? why go on? when was the last time you woke up, pissed off, and stayed that way all day, and came home at the end of the day thinking, 'wow, that was the best day of my life!' yeah...um probably never, right? this is what i'm currently in the process of learning. not learning for school, not learning for anyone else's benefit but MY OWN. positivity=happiness, in my mind. so without positivity, there can be no happiness. simple enough, right? so if you happen to catch me on one of those bad days where i'm pissed off at the world and not happy, i hereby give you full permission to give me a wake up call. call me out. do it.
this note took several different turns throughout the course of it (still waiting on that adderall prescription!) this wasn't directed at anyONE or any FAMILY, or anyTHING. this was for ME. so please don't get your granny panties all in a wad. preesh! and if anyone did take some sort of offense to this, i would love to hear it...just not publicly on facebook....let's start acting out ages, me included. so message/text/call..whatever it takes! :)
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