KENNESAW BOUND

homegirl right here just got accepted into KENNESAW STATE UNIVERSITY and will beginning this adventure in her life come january.


aahhhh i reallly am so excited about KSU. But currently i'm pulling an all nighter for a sociology test in 7 hours sooooo i have to go study.

Keep it realllll. GOOOO OWLSSSS! :)

i'm in it for the love of the game

i can't imagine being where i am now without the people that have really stuck with me. sometimes i can be really difficult to be friends with. i'm opinionated out the wazoo and have been taught to stand my ground. i love hearing other people's opinion, but i will usually stick to mine. i have my own ideas for things that don't always go along with everyone elses. i'm never like everyone else. the feeling of being just like everyone else makes me feel sick to my stomach. God created me, to be, ME. If He wanted us all to be exactly the same, He would have created us all the same. but He didn't. and there is reason for that. 

we can all learn from each other. if we were all the same, we'd act the same, talk the same, know the same things, and the world would be a vicious cycle of nothingness and boringness. i don't know about you, but that sounds like the least amount of fun i could possibly imagine. i don't wanna be like everyone else. i don't want to follow the crowd. i want to be me, and if someone has a problem with that, then they need to check themselves and see what THEIR problem is, because they will NOT be my problem. 

i've decided other people will NOT be my problem. EVER. i'm going for a less dramatic life from now. every girl says they hatehatehate drama, but in reality, every girl in the back of their mind THRIVES on it. it's crazy, yeah, but there's something about the thrill of drama that brings out that little biatch in all of us and we secretly love it. i'm done with that high school mentality. i'm 18 and finally about to start acting like it. it's time for me to get my act together.

being stuck in lawrenceville really gives a person a lot of time to think. think about everythingggggg. think about who i NEED in my life, or who i just WANT. how much people actually mean to me, and who i want to be. being home this semester really has been a blessing. i say i hate it all the time, but thats only because i envy everyones cute dorms, sorority pictures, and new friends. and even though my mom is gone 5 days out of the week in a different state, my mom really has become one of my best friends and i look forward to her calling and coming home so that i can talk to her and tell her about my life because i know she is actually interested in my schoolwork, my friends, and everything else that's going on. and i absolutely love that. having someone that cares about me means the world to me, it makes me feel special and loved.

friends will always come and go. but your family will always be there. they're there to tell you when you're outfit looks bad, or when you have too much makeup on, or when you don't match. but they're also there to take 3886378 pictures of you at your homecomings and proms, to do your makeup for a date, or to go shopping with you, and those are the times in life when you know you've made it. 

nothing is more powerful than the love from a family. and my family could light the US with our power :)

Everything is always okay in the end, if it's not okay, then it's not the end.

going into summer, my life sucked. i was newly single for the first time in 2 years, and was completely at a loss of friends. that was probably one of the lowest points in my entire life. i didn't even know what to do with myself. until the 4 best friends i could ever imagine swooped me out of the valley and back into a beautiful life. they changed me forever. college has violently torn us all in different directions and has had some good and bad effects on us. i have definitely learned a lot through them though. 


but the major change came from Camp All American. Yeah, it suckkkkkedddd waking up at 6:25 Monday-Friday, yes it sucked sitting in traffic and speeding to get to work by 8, dealing with whining, bratty, tired kids. yes it sucked staying for late camp and playing in the splash pad. yes it sucked being late for every activity and hearing complaints. yes, it sucked when i got a parent complaint the last week of camp saying i needed to be more enthusiastic with my campers. yes, it sucked missing out on almost everything with my friends. but i wouldn't trade a SECOND of my summer with those amazing little kids for anything. it was the most important summer of my life and i can't wait to see if my life leads me back to CAA next summer. 


one little boy made the biggest difference in my life at CAA. Brett Barber. He was my 4 year old boyfriend, and i was his 18 year old girlfriend. that little boy seriously made my day everyday when he chose me over every other counselor. i was his favorite and i wouldn't have wanted it any other way. he was the biggest brat at camp. but definitely the cutest with his bleach blond hair, and his bright blue eyes, Brett barber stole my heart in the cutest little way this summer. whenever i needed a hug all i had to do was ask and he'd come running into my arms with the biggest hug ever. he's scream my name during assembly. 'MS.ALEX MS.ALEX MS.ALEX' until i would finally look over and wave and he'd flash back the cutest shy little smile ever. one day Mr.barber started crying and no one knew what was wrong. he was practically hysterical. they came running to me, with Brett in tow, and threw him into my arms. within seconds the screams had calmed and he was quiet. when he was okay, i took him aside and asked him why he was so upset. when he took his thumb out of his mouth to answer, he looked up at me with those big blue eyes and simply said 'i didn't know where you were' 


a 4 year old boy cared enough about me to freak out just to get to me. to me. just one out of about 100 other counselors and he wanted me. to this day i don't even know why Brett barber and i connected the way we did. and i really hope to see him next summer. but even if i don't the way he impacted me will stay with me forever.


Camp All American changed me forever and I love it.

Brett Barber and I :)

speak your mind. you're always telling me i need to open mine.

Today was a veryyyyy good day. It started off by me getting an 80% on my first college math test. Not spectacular, but considering i had a good 2 hour tutoring session for every math test my junior and senior year of hs and did not have one for this, its prrrrretty amazing if you ask me! then i found out i made a 93% on my first college essay. pretty FANTASTIC if you ask me! I was incredibly happy because i was super iffy on that paper and where it was going. thennnn to top it all off i got the job i had applied and interviewed for for my English 1101 class! i am now officially a project manager for my team to work with Read Aloud Chattanooga and couldn't be more excited! AND NERVOUS OUT OF MY MIND!


I've come to realize nothing in life is certain. at all. except Jesus. but that is a given. in a matter of seconds, everything can change. friends turn on you and they move on. and you can either let it effect you forever. or put your big girl panties on, grow up and MOVE ON. I'm moving on. and i know it's for the best.

I'm certain that I've given, and oh, how you can take. There's no use in you looking, there's nothing left for you to break

everyone knows what its like to feel drained; to feel pulled in every direction possible. that's how i felt recently. I've been striving for about the last 18 years or so to make everyone else happy. if others were having a good time, i should be too..that was my thought process. i felt as though if everyone else was happy, i should be too..regardless of how i actually felt, or what mood i was in. i sacrificed a lot...a LOT..for a boy..i sacrificed a lot for friends, for people i thought would be around, but ended up walking out the door as soon as things got tough. i sacrificed for things that i KNEW wouldn't last, but i just didn't want to listen because i thought they would make me happy forever...because that's what seemed to be working for everyone else. people with boyfriends or girlfriends seemed happy...so i thought that's what i needed...people partied and life seemed great for them..so why not? 

but I'm not like other people. at all. nor do i want to be. i always assumed that to be happy, be like the happy. do as the happy do, say as the happy say...but I've come to realize...the 'happy' are not happy. at all....the happy are the ones living their own lives. not dependent on anyone or any superficial thing. they believed in themselves and had enough self worth to be happy. 

i only know of about 3 things that make me whole heartily HAPPY. not things i like, or that makes me smile, but genuinely happy. 

1. Camp All American- something about CAA changed me forever. i met some of the most amazing, welcoming, humble, and beautiful on the inside and out people. i think about the kids i worked with everyday and feel overwhelmingly blessed when i think about the love i showed them and the amount of love they showed me right back.

2. my family- yes, we have our problems, yes we fight, almost daily. but the love i feel and get from my family is powerful. my sisters and i will always have a bond that no one else will understand. we were raised differently from other families. we had muffins for dinner and we had a nightly shower routine and we still fight when we (i) steal each other (their) clothes. they make my life happy because they understand me better than anyone else ever ever ever ever will. and don't even get me started on my mom and dad....I'll never shut up.

3.Bruner & Q.T.- yes, they are dogs. i am completely aware that when people tell me 'but they're just dogs' that they are dogs. obs. but imagine....coming home, having the worst day and being around grumpy, pissed off people all day, and coming home to the 2 cutest faces in the entire world. and they are always happy to see me. whether i have makeup on, dressed cute. and the best part is, they always listen to me,yeah i talk to my dogs. they will love me regardless of if I'm funny, rich, or am having a good or bad day. their wagging tail always brightens my day and when Bruner jumps up on the couch and nuzzles his way right next to me and just lays with me, i am completely happy. Bruner & Q.T. make my heart literally hurt because i love them so much.

4. COMING SOON.

Yes, i have amazing things in my life, yes I love everyone in my life, and yes, i love you even if you aren't on this list. its just a list...my list...no one else's. just for me. 

my life is about to dramatically change, i hope. for the better. I'm ready for the roller coaster and I'm ready to hold on for the wild ride.

and so the journey begins

Matthew 14:22-32 (New International Version)

Jesus Walks on the Water

 ²²Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. ²³After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone, ²⁴but the boat was already a considerable distance^[a] from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it. ²⁵During the fourth watch of the night Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. ²⁶When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. "It's a ghost," they said, and cried out in fear.
 ²⁷But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid."
 ²⁸"Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water."
 ²⁹"Come," he said.
   Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. ³⁰But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!"
 ³¹Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?"
 ³²And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down.

One of my best friends, Kate, texted me this passage with the words: This might be a story you've at least heard before...but don't let that fool you into thinking you wont get anything new from it...boy was she right...as usual...
I've always struggled with my faith. always. I've grown up in a Christian home and have always been taught right from wrong. I know right, and i know wrong. i was always taught that believing in Christ was the right thing to do. But i never really knew why.
This passage really does pull at my heart. it's so easy to say you're a believer and be on fire for God when times are easy, when the water is calm, and when life is good. but when life gets tough and difficult i feel almost as if i just want to throw in the towel and try everything on my own.
God knows I can't do it on my own. But He just patiently waits and waits for me to realize it. Until I fully surrender. He doesn't want some of me, part of me, or most of me. He wants all of me. And giving Him all of me will be one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.
The sacrifice for God is a small one compared to the one his son made for me, but that doesn't make it any easier. I know I'll have to say goodbye to a fun lifestyle, tons of friends, and many other things. But i know it will all be worth it. I just know it. 
The journey will be difficult, everyday will be a challenge and a struggle, but every part of me knows it will be worth it in the end.

Oprah inspired me again.....

While watching my daily dose of Oprah and Dr. Phil, there were several guests on Oprah that had had terrible tragedies thrust upon them. One family in particular really stuck in my mind. 


They were an African American family from South Carolina. Nothing too out of the ordinary. Pretty much typical. A mom, her two daughters, and her two daughters sons, making a total of 7 people under one roof. There was a fight, and one of the daughters got a little crazy and took her two sons and left. She later checked into a hotel, strangled and suffocated  her two sons, and then drove her car into the river, where her already lifeless sons were found dead. 


Scary. i know. but i really don't have any idea why that stuck with me...or why I'm writing about it now...but..here goes..


we've all snapped. we've all had bad days. but can you imagine?! all i can do is look at that woman and think, how selfish of you?! okay YOU were having a bad day, YOU weren't happy with YOUR life, YOU were pissed at what YOUR family was saying about YOU. so why end your beautiful, harmless, defenseless sons lives when YOU are the one who isn't happy? why did you get to decide when your sons lives were over? the only person who has that can do that, is God. you stole precious life away from your boys. 


clearly i don't know this woman. but that doesn't matter. i know enough about her that makes my heart hurt for her. my heart aches for her pain and suffering as now she has to live with the fact that she's murdered her two babies. when things like this happen, it just makes me SO grateful for the family i do have. and even though we fight, I've never once feared for my life or been scared to come home.


the Lord has blessed me with some of the best things in the world. what is better than having an amazing family? they are my rock and my core. they know me and more importantly love me for exactly the way i am. they know my faults, and they don't judge me. I've taken them for granted for a long time, and that has ended. 


every second counts, and what matters in life isn't what you did in those seconds, it's who you spent it with that's more important. 

no regrets

i know i know, third post of the day. slow down. i get it...but there's just so much going through my head and if i don't start getting it out of my brain, I'll go crazy.


there are a lot of things in life i regret. i regret not studying more in high school. i regret not trying at all in high school. i regret quitting cheerleading. i regret starting all the stupid fights with my sisters. i regret not ever listening to my sisters (they're ALWAYS right). i regret being so shy because i know i missed out on friendships because of it. i regret every single time I've taken my life for granted. in a second it could be gone. 

I've been going over and over situations in my head replaying them over and over thinking about how they could have gone differently, or how my life would be if i had made a different choice. but that's all about to chance. clearly all the over analyzing is NOT going to change the situation. i do not have magical powers, although that would be freaking tight, and i have to learn to deal with my decisions and handle them like an adult. because as of 51 days ago. i am one. and i am more than completely ready to not only be treated like one, but ACT like. so from now on, no immature facebook posts or anything of the sorts. I'm going to start THINKING BEFORE SPEAKING. instead of my past way of speaking and then later thinking about how much of an idiot i sounded like with my statements. 


most of the time my heart and my head conflict. i have a terrible time finding the balance of instinct or logic. i love trusting my gut, but a lot of the time, it's always the opposite of what my big brain (HA!) is telling me. one day i know they will work in perfect harmony, but for now, I'll add that to the mental 'to-do list' I've been keeping in my head for about the past 4 years. 


4 years from now, i want to look back at my life and have the biggest smile on my face. thinking to myself how i wouldn't change a single thing. i want college to be the biggest growing, metamorphic, learning, beautiful experience in my life. i have every intention in the world to graduate a better person. i want to be known for who i am, not what I've done, who I'm friends with, or anything else except for i am in my core. i want everyone (not literally, everyone) to know me for my heart and for who i REALLY am: a genuine, carefree, free spirited, goofy woman. who messes us from time to time, but is always the first to admit she's wrong, and will do anything it takes to make it up. 


i had my wake up call. and now it's time to start the long journey back to who i used to be. back to my simple days, where all it mattered with friends was if i had a good time. not if i could borrow their clothes, who was skinner, who was tanner (clearly, NEVER me), who had better clothes, skin, hair, shoes etc. that's not what life or friendships are about. i know that now. you never know who is going to hurt you, and i will forever be guarded because of my past. i didn't used to have walls with relationships, but now it feels as though i have the freaking great wall of china up. which sucks. there is no other word for it, except suck. everything about being hurt sucks. except for one thing. every time you're hurt, it makes you that much stronger. so I'm using this. ALL OF IT. all the hate, all the backstabbing, all the lost relationships, everything, and it's going to make me better, and its going to make me so much stronger.


so if you see me in a few years, ask me how strong I've gotten because its basically guaranteed that i will be hurt again. but I'll be able to say thank you eventually.


so here's to the next 4 years of living with NO REGRETS! :)

life is like an open road, you never know what's going to be over the next hill or around the next bend, but there is one thing for certain, it's always worth the ride.

I had this on Facebook....but it seems to fit better here....

well currently, my foot is in my mouth. i've spoken out of line. (SO SHOCKING, not) it really sucks, being hurt, i mean. because when i'm hurt, i have a one track mind and that is to hurt the person or persons who hurt me 3243546X more than they hurt me. its crazy, i know, but welcome to my life. it has nothing to do with how i was raised. clearly seeing as how i have flawless sisters. it has nothing to do with anything but myself. not my parents, not what school i go to, not how smart or dumb i am, what i have or have not experienced, who i'm friends with, what my favorite color is, or what i like to do in my free time. the only thing is has to do with is me, and me being hurt. every single person that has ever taken a breath on this crazy, stupidly beautiful green earth knows exactly what it's like being hurt. there are different types of pain. some types are self inflicted, some are brought on by others. and sometimes the most beautiful thing comes out of the most painful experience. i've wandered this insane planet asking myself every freaking day when i would actually make something of myself. i still do. i'm still waiting for that to happen. i'm not happy with who i am, where my life is going, or the way i look. i will never be satisfied with myself because i hold myself to the highest expectations knowing that i can never live up to them. ask me why in the heck i do that? there's no answer. that's just me and how i am. i'm not the strongest or weakest, i'm not the prettiest or the ugliest, i have problems in my life that i'm working on, just like everyone else in the entire world. i believe that self pity parties are the dumbest thing in the entire world. yeah, so i have bad days where i just want to sit in my room and cry, heck, i've had weeks, months where this is ALL i want to do. but do i? no, you know why? someone else has it worse than i do at that exact moment and that's a guarantee. of course i cry. come on. i'm a girl, i have emotions and I DO HAVE  A HEART, SOUL, AND MY FEELINGS GET HURT TOO, i'm normal, not heartless, as some would like to think. i'm an 18 year old girl. i have fantastic things in my life (a mom and dad that would love me no matter what i did, 5 grandparents that i get to see on a regular basis, the best 2 older sisters in the entire world (NOT UP FOR DEBATE, the raines sisters are the hottest, smartest, most level headed sisters in the world, sorry any other sisters...) who have taught me more than any professor, teacher, or textbook could ever, cousins that i can actually my best friends, the cutest dogs in america, friends overseas who are amazing, and one of the best groups of friends that would be there for me before we even got off the phone when something is wrong) but i also have horrible things in my life that will never be mentioned on FACEBOOK. But all of those things, good and bad, COMBINED, make me up into who i am, alexis hope raines. and i am exactly who i am and am not changing for anyone or anything ever. whether or not people like me, is definitely their choice. and you just might me, and i'm sorry if i've ever given anyone any reason to hate me. i actually hate the word hate. i know redundant and kind of hypocritical, once again, welcome to my life. all the word 'hate' does is bring more and more negativity into this spinning ball of negativity i like to call earth. that's all we really need right, a little more hate? come on people, we have the dumbest president (yep, you can hate me for that, i give you permission, but i stand by what i say), we're in a recession (duh), and all people can do is hatehatehate. when did love STOP being the answer to everything? who the eff decided that 'hating' was the cool thing to do? i'm guilty of it too. trust me. i hate that i live at home, i hate that my mom is only home 2 days a week, i hate that my dad works all the time, i hate that my sisters are so much older than me, i hate i hate i hate i hate....i could go on for days...but WHY? why go on? when was the last time you woke up, pissed off, and stayed that way all day, and came home at the end of the day thinking, 'wow, that was the best day of my life!' yeah...um probably never, right? this is what i'm currently in the process of learning. not learning for school, not learning for anyone else's benefit but MY OWN. positivity=happiness, in my mind. so without positivity, there can be no happiness. simple enough, right? so if you happen to catch me on one of those bad days where i'm pissed off at the world and not happy, i hereby give you full permission to give me a wake up call. call me out. do it. 

this note took several different turns throughout the course of it (still waiting on that adderall prescription!) this wasn't directed at anyONE or any FAMILY, or anyTHING. this was for ME. so please don't get your granny panties all in a wad. preesh! and if anyone did take some sort of offense to this, i would love to hear it...just not publicly on facebook....let's start acting out ages, me included. so message/text/call..whatever it takes! :)

my september 15th resolution

the purpose of this blog creation, keep in mind it is 3:02 am and i have a paper due in 6 hours and 58 minutes, is to keep track of my life. if i start going crazy, i wanna be able to look back and see where is started happening...KIDDING. but more seriously. this is to keep my life in check. so i'm going to start my 'self improvement' resolution right now. at 3:04 am, on wednesday september 15, on my bed in Lawrenceville Georgia.


i have stuff eating at me all of the time. and i have no where to express it. but now i do. you say, get a journal, i say i have terrible handwriting and hate my handwriting, so this works perfectly.


hopefully this blog will become my safe haven. with all my friends gone away to school, and me still stuck here, this should be nice for me to be able to come to this and be myself.


well i really have enjoyed this mini venting session. but now i must finish my paper :(


good morning :)