Everyday-I love you HCW

I pray for you everyday. All the time. Every single time I think about you I pray for you. And every time it is for the same thing. I pray that you NEVER have to endure the kind of pain that comes from a heart break. I would never wish this feeling upon my worst enemy. No one deserves feeling unwanted, or unloved. The feeling of having your whole world ripped right out from underneath you. Your life turned upside down. You have no idea where to turn and you have no idea what to do next. Lost is the only word to use. You look at the person who did this, this awful, terrible, unbearable thing, to you, and they seem fine. Like nothing is wrong. And it absolutely KILLS you inside. And you pretend you're okay, and that lasts a few weeks with the help of your best friends and then all of a sudden the days get harder for you to not cry and you think about him all the time. You felt so strong for a while by yourself, and you spent so long telling yourself you'll be okay and you're better off without him, and then all of a sudden, YOU AREN'T. You aren't as strong by yourself as you've told yourself. You feel everything start to crumble and you realize just how alone you are. Yes, you have your best friends, you have the Lord, but that irreplaceable feeling of being loved that's gone leaves the biggest whole in your heart ever and you walk around every single day when that aching is going to go away. And you wonder what you could have possible done differently and what made you all of a sudden SO UNLOVABLE for someone to throw away the past years. You walk around with so much shame and regret from every single tiny mistake you made with him. Whether it was starting a stupid fight, or not grabbing his hand when you knew he wanted you too, or letting him hang out with his friends instead of you. And that pain in your head and heart kills. It kills. I've never felt anything like i before. And there is nothing you can do about it. Nothing magically makes it go away. And life is not like the movies. Hot boys do not come out of the blue. They do not instantly want you. And you start to realize how you've taken the last years  for granted. Every dinner, every time he let's you pick the movie, every kiss, hug and text with a smilie face. And that is the worst. Knowing you will never have that with him ever again. 


And I had no intention of writing this to freak you out, or scare you. this is just a way of showing you how much i love you, and how much i want you to believe in Brady and you guys. This ride, called life, sucks, but if you can hold on to the person you love, it makes it so worth it. 


We weren't as close when all this started to happen and I just wanted to catch you up on how I have been feeling for the last 6 months. It's actually taken me this long to be able to put it in words. But i do love you, best friend. And if i had a little sister, i would give this to her, but I don't so by default it's for you :) <3

Welcome Home?

Ever felt unwelcome? it's an uncomfortable, awkward, and weird feeling. one that i am all to familiar with. whether it's at school, a party, or hanging out with people i don't know all that well...so when i sense that someone else is feeling uncomfortable and unwelcome i try and go out of my way to make sure that they're enjoying themselves because i know what it's like to walk in their shoes, and it is most definitely not a fun journey. 


but you know what's interesting? once we become a Christian, the bible says that we're supposed to feel that way. that we're aliens to this earth. WE AREN'T SUPPOSED TO BELONG HERE. what we've been taught on 'fitting in' and 'following the crowd' are completely skewed. we, as Christians are supposed to be different, a kind of our own. we understand each others, and those who don't believe won't understand us, or what makes us so unbelievably happy and JOYFUL! and they never will. we aren't supposed to fit the mold, or go along with anything and everything that comes up in our lives. that's not how God planned it, and that's not the road He wants us to take. He is a completely different path, unbeaten, and rough, but with His guiding light, He walks us through each step. It's just getting to that first step in the other direction that seems to weigh on us and make the decision harder. 


^{Ephesians 2:16-22} Christ brought us together through his death on the cross. The Cross got us to embrace, and that was the end of the hostility. Christ came and preached peace to you outsiders and peace to us insiders. He treated us as equals, and so made us equals. Through him we both share the same Spirit and have equal access to the Father.That's plain enough, isn't it? You're no longer wandering exiles. This kingdom of faith is now your home country. You're no longer strangers or outsiders. You belong here, with as much right to the name Christian as anyone. God is building a home. He's using us all—irrespective of how we got here—in what He is building. He used the apostles and prophets for the foundation. Now He's using you, fitting you in brick by brick, stone by stone, with Christ Jesus as the cornerstone that holds all the parts together. We see it taking shape day after day—a holy temple built by God, all of us built into it, a temple in which God is quite at home.


In this verse, we're being told that all Christians are equal. weird thought right? i always think about other Christians who just seem to be 'better' at this whole Christianity thing to me. my pastor, some friends, my sister, my mom...it's a long list. but in God's eyes, HE DOESN'T CARE. all He cares about is my personal relationship with Him. and if it's where it's supposed to be, then i'm making Him happy. it doesn't matter if i'm out doing missions in Africa, or going to orphanages in Europe. as long as I'm following HIS plan for me, and NOT my own, i'm doing something right, and He'll continue to bless me and my journey. 


It's just weird to think that we're all equal. He loves us all the same. no matter what we do, no matter how low in the valleys we are, no matter how many times we sin in one hour, minute, or day. HE STILL LOVES US AND ALWAYS WILL. what more could i even ask for? the ultimate Father. Dad's get mad. they yell, scream, and fight with you over a lot. But the FATHER, GOD IN HEAVEN, doesn't want any of that, all He wants is your heart, mind, body, and soul. all of you. He doesn't care if your room is clean, or if you've done the dishes, or if your homework is done. He just cares about your heart. what's better?


In verse 19, it says 'You're no longer wandering exiles. The kingdom of faith is now your home country. You're no longer strangers or outsiders. You belong here-with as much right to the name Christian as anyone.


The Earth isn't meant to seem 'homey' or to feel like belong here. because plain and simple, WE DON'T. God is building His kingdom, and He's using me in it. I'm a huge part of that. sometimes taking a step back to remember that blows my mind. it's SO easy to get lost in the sea of everyone else, just going with the flow, that its also easy to forget how special and unique the Lord made me. i'm one of a kind, and thats okay with me. God doesn't want me to be like anyone else, clearly He already has someone like that person and doesn't need another. what He needs is someone like me. that's why He made me, ME. i'm supposed to be who He made me and who He has planned for me to be. and no one else. 


This whole journey is exciting. growing up is so scary, but I know the Lord won't let go of me, and I know He'll always be there with me, every step of the way. And that makes the journey seem that much easier and exciting! :)

Isaiah 41:10 Don't panic. I'm with you. There's no need to fear, for I'm your God. I'll give you strength. I'll help you. I'll hold you steady, and keep a firm grip on you. 

I am, I'm captivated by You. In all that You do, I am, I'm captivated.

cap·ti·vate [kap-tuh-veyt]
–verb (used with object),-vat·ed, -vat·ing.
1. to attract and hold the attention or interest of, as by beauty or excellence; enchant: Her green eyes and red hair captivated him.


We use this word like it's nothing. Like it doesn't mean something huge. In the song 'Captivated' By Shawn McDonald, he sings about being captivated in the Lord and all that the Lord does. He sees all the beautiful things the Lord has created, and can even see the beautiful in the not so beautiful things the Lord has created. How great does that sound? Being able to see the good in everything and everyone. And being completely captivated by God. Being consumed by His love, and actually feeling it. 


Seeing God in the world has always been a struggle for me. Focusing on the negatives has always been so much easier than working to see the positives. But in this song the way he describes it makes it sound so easy and wonderful.


The singer sees all the beauty that God has created and in seeing all that, He feels captivated by God's love and grace. How cool is that?! 


I want to see everything and feel God when I do. To see God in everything I see and do would make me so happy, and it what I truly long for. 


Short today I know, but this was on my mind :)






When I look into the mountains I see Your face
When I look into the night sky it sparkles Your Name

The wind in the clouds and the blue in the sky
The sun and the moon and the stars so high
That's what draws me to You

Chorus:
I am
I'm captivated by You
(You know that You do)
I am
I'm captivated

When I wake unto the morning it gives me your sights
When I look across the ocean it echoes Your might

The sand on the shore and the waves in the sea
The air in my lungs and the way You made me
That's what draws me to You

Chorus x2

The wind in the clouds and the blue in the sky
The sun and the moon and the stars so high
The sand on the shore and the waves in the sea
The air in my lungs and the way You made me

The blood in my veins and my heart You invade
The plants how they grow and the trees and the shade
The way that I feel and the Love in my soul
I thank you my God for letting me know

Chorus x2

I am...

Job 1:21

When my best friends and i all parted to go away for school i didn't actually think things were going to change. the first few weeks we all still texted everyday, facebook chatted often, and skyped. nothing really seemed all the different. but slowly i started the changes happening. Less texts, fewer chats, and no skype dates. and that was hard. we still called each other our 'best friends' but we definitely did NOT act that way. so why say it if it's not true. for me, it was my only way to hold on to the most amazing summer i had ever had. i wanted to bottle up all the happiness my friends had brought me and keep it forever. but i realized as the semester progressed, they were changing, and so was i. we were all in different parts of our life. and different things consumed our lives...boyfriends, sororities, sports, new friends were just some of the things my friends were experiencing that i was definitely not. 


This past weekend i grew up tremendously in one day. i realized i did not want to go back to the person i was all summer. realizing how terrible i had treated people who had done nothing wrong to me because of my new friends. it was the strangest thing of my life because i thought my summer was the greatest thing in the entire world, but then all of a sudden i was on the 'outside' of that group of friends looking in and i hatedhatedhated who they made me. in the circle you think it's the greatest thing in the entire world, but they made me who i wasn't and definitely someone i didn't want to be. don't get me wrong, i still love them to death, i just think we were meant to be best friends for a season. we needed each other in that part of out lives and then God made me realize that i don't deserve those types of friendships where i don't get anything out of. and that was just it. i had stopped getting things out of my friendships with them. and I'm not talking  about real things, like stuff and presents, i mean like emotional and that sort of stuff. i had lost my connection with them and i kept trying and trying to fix it, only to realize it was broken for a reason. 


I believe that God gives and takes away for very good reasons. He gave me the very best of friends, for that specific time in my life, and then He took them away, and until now i haven't realized why He did that to me recently. But I believe He did it to show me how completely in control He is in my life. I kept thinking how awful and terrible it would be when my friends and i grew apart. I thought they would all 4 be the bridesmaids in my wedding, but I realize God has such bigger things in store for me at Kennesaw. I firmly believe He is going to bless me beyond anything i can imagine and it's all i can do to contain my excitement for the next month or so. He's taken so much away from me only to draw me that much closer. He took my mom to Miami, He took all my friends away to school, except the select few that are in good ole Lawrenceville, but He has also blessed me with the wisdom to be patient and wait for the much better road ahead. 


Our God is most certainly a jealous God. He demands our full devotion all the time. And in return, He blesses us with material things, as well as non-material things. But because everything is the Lord's anyway, he chooses when to give, and when to take away. He has the power. I believe He has His reasons for taking away. It's not always for being disobedient, but if I am given a gift from God, and I am misusing it, it is up to Him how He reconciles with me. And I've definitely been realizing lately how God definitely does not have my full devotion and now I feel as though He is taking everything away from me, so that He is all I have left to cling on to for dear life.


Job 1:21 God gives, God takes. 
   God's name be ever blessed.

I'm praying that these next few years I will become exactly the woman of Christ that He wants me to be. That, I feel, is the only way to pure happiness. Which is all I'm after in life anyways. The pursuit of happiness. I know I won't change overnight, I know I'm going to mess up all the time, but with God's help, I'll start messing up a little less each day. Clearly I'll never be perfect, but I know one day I'll be just who God wants me to be in Him :)

when did life get so difficult?

Who decided that life had to be so hard?  Who decided that life isn't fair? Who decided that terrible things happen to amazing people? Oh, yeah, that's right, God.

I don't know why You do things things, God. I have no idea. And I never will. All I know is that you have a plan. And that I have to trust in it. You make all things work together for MY good. You know what is going on and You always have control. I just wish it wasn't so freaking hard to see the good in my life. The good is completely hidden underneath the bad. And I feel like i try SO hard to see the good in my life and people. But I can't. I can't accept Your plan no matter how much I want to. I have so much trouble accepting who I am in You. I take everything in my life for granted but that's because I don't know any different. And I don't want to be one of those people that learns the hard way that she had a good life. That she had an amazing family and fantastic friends but I'm at a complete loss of what to do. I know I need You. But it's the desire to chase after You just like You're desperately chasing after me right now. I know You won't give up, and that's part of the problem. I know You'll always want me. There isn't anything I could possibly do to make You love me less, want me less, or not want me to come sprinting to You. (Ahhh the sweet release of the tears, finally) All I've ever known is that You want me. Regardless of my past or anything else. You just want me, whole-heartily. And maybe, just maybe, if I did love You the way You love me; unconditionally, life wouldn't be so hard, maybe a little more fair, and maybe I'd start to see the good....

to be continued...

'Fragile' By Maria Mena

I've been walking around all day,Thinking. Ever have those days? Those seem to be all of my days...
I think I have a problem, Too too too many
I think I think too much. I THINK WAY TO DANG MUCH. IT'S ALL I DO.
I've been taught to hold back my tears, Exactly. Crying shows weakness...wrong-o....
And avoid them. Avoid. Avoid. Avoid. Always the easy way out. Never the right answer.
But you make pain into something I could touch. You made pain a real thing. Not just a word.

I've been walking around all day, Laughing. Laughing at how ridiculous I let myself get.
I think I'd be better off without you here. I KNOW I'd be better off.
And I bet you're sweet and hard to get over. The HARDEST to get over.
So I'll cry and people will stop and stare. The sweeeet release of built up everything from the past 4 months.
Now that's okay. Let them stop and stare. I'm tired of changing for OTHERS. sick and tired!

Cause I am fragile. I am so fragile from my past. vulnerable and scared to let anyone in. 
I am hopeless. Hopeless for the future. hopeless for school. lots of hopelessness..some hopefulness.
I'm not perfect. Not in any way at all. i find flaws everyday. but i am growing from them
But I am free. So so so free from all of the things i used to be. and what used to define me.

I've been walking around all day, Waiting. I wait & wait instead of making what i want to happen, HAPPEN!
And waiting is all I seem to do. It's ALL i do. i want to be proactive. i want to do things. but i wait.
Cause I never get it unless I'm fed it. I was spoon fed everything. it's biting me in the butt now.
But this time I'll just have to. Time to start doing it on my own i guess.
Yeah this time I'll just have to. Get off my butt and start getting what I WANT. 

Cause I am fragile. I am so fragile from my past. vulnerable and scared to let anyone in. 
I am hopeless. Hopeless for the future. hopeless for school. lots of hopelessness..some hopefulness.
I'm not perfect. Not in any way at all. i find flaws everyday. but i am growing from them
But I am free. So so so free from all of the things i used to be. and what used to define me.

Say you're not around, Am I finished? I'm tired of being defined by the others in my life. it's MY life.
If you're not around, that's too bad. Out of sight, out of mind. I'm better off without you. 
Hope you're safe and sound, not alone now. You don't deserve the worst and I'll love you forever.
Cause you know I believe in you. You meant so much to me. you'll always have a place in my heart.

Cause I am fragile. I am so fragile from my past. vulnerable and scared to let anyone in. 
I am hopeless. Hopeless for the future. hopeless for school. lots of hopelessness..some hopefulness.
I'm not perfect. Not in any way at all. i find flaws everyday. but i am growing from them
But I am free. So so so free from all of the things i used to be. and what used to define me.

Cause I am fragile. I am so fragile from my past. vulnerable and scared to let anyone in. 
I am hopeless. Hopeless for the future. hopeless for school. lots of hopelessness..some hopefulness.
I'm not perfect. Not in any way at all. i find flaws everyday. but i am growing from them
But I am free. So so so free from all of the things i used to be. and what used to define me.

Cause I am fragile, But growing everyday. stronger and stronger.
hopeless, But i hope for less hopelessness everyday.
I'm not perfect, But learning to be okay with who i am. people love me for me. imperfections and all.
But I am free. Free from my past because I'm finally learning to love it. its a part of me. forever & always

oh oh oh oh...




If these lyrics don't explain my mood perfectly, nothing else will.


My head and heart have been clouded recently. and i still cant think straight. but this makes some of the nonsense going on upstairs. 


If you've never heard of this song. DOWNLOAD IT. It's amazing and everyone can relate. What's not to like?

KENNESAW BOUND

homegirl right here just got accepted into KENNESAW STATE UNIVERSITY and will beginning this adventure in her life come january.


aahhhh i reallly am so excited about KSU. But currently i'm pulling an all nighter for a sociology test in 7 hours sooooo i have to go study.

Keep it realllll. GOOOO OWLSSSS! :)

i'm in it for the love of the game

i can't imagine being where i am now without the people that have really stuck with me. sometimes i can be really difficult to be friends with. i'm opinionated out the wazoo and have been taught to stand my ground. i love hearing other people's opinion, but i will usually stick to mine. i have my own ideas for things that don't always go along with everyone elses. i'm never like everyone else. the feeling of being just like everyone else makes me feel sick to my stomach. God created me, to be, ME. If He wanted us all to be exactly the same, He would have created us all the same. but He didn't. and there is reason for that. 

we can all learn from each other. if we were all the same, we'd act the same, talk the same, know the same things, and the world would be a vicious cycle of nothingness and boringness. i don't know about you, but that sounds like the least amount of fun i could possibly imagine. i don't wanna be like everyone else. i don't want to follow the crowd. i want to be me, and if someone has a problem with that, then they need to check themselves and see what THEIR problem is, because they will NOT be my problem. 

i've decided other people will NOT be my problem. EVER. i'm going for a less dramatic life from now. every girl says they hatehatehate drama, but in reality, every girl in the back of their mind THRIVES on it. it's crazy, yeah, but there's something about the thrill of drama that brings out that little biatch in all of us and we secretly love it. i'm done with that high school mentality. i'm 18 and finally about to start acting like it. it's time for me to get my act together.

being stuck in lawrenceville really gives a person a lot of time to think. think about everythingggggg. think about who i NEED in my life, or who i just WANT. how much people actually mean to me, and who i want to be. being home this semester really has been a blessing. i say i hate it all the time, but thats only because i envy everyones cute dorms, sorority pictures, and new friends. and even though my mom is gone 5 days out of the week in a different state, my mom really has become one of my best friends and i look forward to her calling and coming home so that i can talk to her and tell her about my life because i know she is actually interested in my schoolwork, my friends, and everything else that's going on. and i absolutely love that. having someone that cares about me means the world to me, it makes me feel special and loved.

friends will always come and go. but your family will always be there. they're there to tell you when you're outfit looks bad, or when you have too much makeup on, or when you don't match. but they're also there to take 3886378 pictures of you at your homecomings and proms, to do your makeup for a date, or to go shopping with you, and those are the times in life when you know you've made it. 

nothing is more powerful than the love from a family. and my family could light the US with our power :)

Everything is always okay in the end, if it's not okay, then it's not the end.

going into summer, my life sucked. i was newly single for the first time in 2 years, and was completely at a loss of friends. that was probably one of the lowest points in my entire life. i didn't even know what to do with myself. until the 4 best friends i could ever imagine swooped me out of the valley and back into a beautiful life. they changed me forever. college has violently torn us all in different directions and has had some good and bad effects on us. i have definitely learned a lot through them though. 


but the major change came from Camp All American. Yeah, it suckkkkkedddd waking up at 6:25 Monday-Friday, yes it sucked sitting in traffic and speeding to get to work by 8, dealing with whining, bratty, tired kids. yes it sucked staying for late camp and playing in the splash pad. yes it sucked being late for every activity and hearing complaints. yes, it sucked when i got a parent complaint the last week of camp saying i needed to be more enthusiastic with my campers. yes, it sucked missing out on almost everything with my friends. but i wouldn't trade a SECOND of my summer with those amazing little kids for anything. it was the most important summer of my life and i can't wait to see if my life leads me back to CAA next summer. 


one little boy made the biggest difference in my life at CAA. Brett Barber. He was my 4 year old boyfriend, and i was his 18 year old girlfriend. that little boy seriously made my day everyday when he chose me over every other counselor. i was his favorite and i wouldn't have wanted it any other way. he was the biggest brat at camp. but definitely the cutest with his bleach blond hair, and his bright blue eyes, Brett barber stole my heart in the cutest little way this summer. whenever i needed a hug all i had to do was ask and he'd come running into my arms with the biggest hug ever. he's scream my name during assembly. 'MS.ALEX MS.ALEX MS.ALEX' until i would finally look over and wave and he'd flash back the cutest shy little smile ever. one day Mr.barber started crying and no one knew what was wrong. he was practically hysterical. they came running to me, with Brett in tow, and threw him into my arms. within seconds the screams had calmed and he was quiet. when he was okay, i took him aside and asked him why he was so upset. when he took his thumb out of his mouth to answer, he looked up at me with those big blue eyes and simply said 'i didn't know where you were' 


a 4 year old boy cared enough about me to freak out just to get to me. to me. just one out of about 100 other counselors and he wanted me. to this day i don't even know why Brett barber and i connected the way we did. and i really hope to see him next summer. but even if i don't the way he impacted me will stay with me forever.


Camp All American changed me forever and I love it.

Brett Barber and I :)

speak your mind. you're always telling me i need to open mine.

Today was a veryyyyy good day. It started off by me getting an 80% on my first college math test. Not spectacular, but considering i had a good 2 hour tutoring session for every math test my junior and senior year of hs and did not have one for this, its prrrrretty amazing if you ask me! then i found out i made a 93% on my first college essay. pretty FANTASTIC if you ask me! I was incredibly happy because i was super iffy on that paper and where it was going. thennnn to top it all off i got the job i had applied and interviewed for for my English 1101 class! i am now officially a project manager for my team to work with Read Aloud Chattanooga and couldn't be more excited! AND NERVOUS OUT OF MY MIND!


I've come to realize nothing in life is certain. at all. except Jesus. but that is a given. in a matter of seconds, everything can change. friends turn on you and they move on. and you can either let it effect you forever. or put your big girl panties on, grow up and MOVE ON. I'm moving on. and i know it's for the best.

I'm certain that I've given, and oh, how you can take. There's no use in you looking, there's nothing left for you to break

everyone knows what its like to feel drained; to feel pulled in every direction possible. that's how i felt recently. I've been striving for about the last 18 years or so to make everyone else happy. if others were having a good time, i should be too..that was my thought process. i felt as though if everyone else was happy, i should be too..regardless of how i actually felt, or what mood i was in. i sacrificed a lot...a LOT..for a boy..i sacrificed a lot for friends, for people i thought would be around, but ended up walking out the door as soon as things got tough. i sacrificed for things that i KNEW wouldn't last, but i just didn't want to listen because i thought they would make me happy forever...because that's what seemed to be working for everyone else. people with boyfriends or girlfriends seemed happy...so i thought that's what i needed...people partied and life seemed great for them..so why not? 

but I'm not like other people. at all. nor do i want to be. i always assumed that to be happy, be like the happy. do as the happy do, say as the happy say...but I've come to realize...the 'happy' are not happy. at all....the happy are the ones living their own lives. not dependent on anyone or any superficial thing. they believed in themselves and had enough self worth to be happy. 

i only know of about 3 things that make me whole heartily HAPPY. not things i like, or that makes me smile, but genuinely happy. 

1. Camp All American- something about CAA changed me forever. i met some of the most amazing, welcoming, humble, and beautiful on the inside and out people. i think about the kids i worked with everyday and feel overwhelmingly blessed when i think about the love i showed them and the amount of love they showed me right back.

2. my family- yes, we have our problems, yes we fight, almost daily. but the love i feel and get from my family is powerful. my sisters and i will always have a bond that no one else will understand. we were raised differently from other families. we had muffins for dinner and we had a nightly shower routine and we still fight when we (i) steal each other (their) clothes. they make my life happy because they understand me better than anyone else ever ever ever ever will. and don't even get me started on my mom and dad....I'll never shut up.

3.Bruner & Q.T.- yes, they are dogs. i am completely aware that when people tell me 'but they're just dogs' that they are dogs. obs. but imagine....coming home, having the worst day and being around grumpy, pissed off people all day, and coming home to the 2 cutest faces in the entire world. and they are always happy to see me. whether i have makeup on, dressed cute. and the best part is, they always listen to me,yeah i talk to my dogs. they will love me regardless of if I'm funny, rich, or am having a good or bad day. their wagging tail always brightens my day and when Bruner jumps up on the couch and nuzzles his way right next to me and just lays with me, i am completely happy. Bruner & Q.T. make my heart literally hurt because i love them so much.

4. COMING SOON.

Yes, i have amazing things in my life, yes I love everyone in my life, and yes, i love you even if you aren't on this list. its just a list...my list...no one else's. just for me. 

my life is about to dramatically change, i hope. for the better. I'm ready for the roller coaster and I'm ready to hold on for the wild ride.