when did life get so difficult?

Who decided that life had to be so hard?  Who decided that life isn't fair? Who decided that terrible things happen to amazing people? Oh, yeah, that's right, God.

I don't know why You do things things, God. I have no idea. And I never will. All I know is that you have a plan. And that I have to trust in it. You make all things work together for MY good. You know what is going on and You always have control. I just wish it wasn't so freaking hard to see the good in my life. The good is completely hidden underneath the bad. And I feel like i try SO hard to see the good in my life and people. But I can't. I can't accept Your plan no matter how much I want to. I have so much trouble accepting who I am in You. I take everything in my life for granted but that's because I don't know any different. And I don't want to be one of those people that learns the hard way that she had a good life. That she had an amazing family and fantastic friends but I'm at a complete loss of what to do. I know I need You. But it's the desire to chase after You just like You're desperately chasing after me right now. I know You won't give up, and that's part of the problem. I know You'll always want me. There isn't anything I could possibly do to make You love me less, want me less, or not want me to come sprinting to You. (Ahhh the sweet release of the tears, finally) All I've ever known is that You want me. Regardless of my past or anything else. You just want me, whole-heartily. And maybe, just maybe, if I did love You the way You love me; unconditionally, life wouldn't be so hard, maybe a little more fair, and maybe I'd start to see the good....

to be continued...

'Fragile' By Maria Mena

I've been walking around all day,Thinking. Ever have those days? Those seem to be all of my days...
I think I have a problem, Too too too many
I think I think too much. I THINK WAY TO DANG MUCH. IT'S ALL I DO.
I've been taught to hold back my tears, Exactly. Crying shows weakness...wrong-o....
And avoid them. Avoid. Avoid. Avoid. Always the easy way out. Never the right answer.
But you make pain into something I could touch. You made pain a real thing. Not just a word.

I've been walking around all day, Laughing. Laughing at how ridiculous I let myself get.
I think I'd be better off without you here. I KNOW I'd be better off.
And I bet you're sweet and hard to get over. The HARDEST to get over.
So I'll cry and people will stop and stare. The sweeeet release of built up everything from the past 4 months.
Now that's okay. Let them stop and stare. I'm tired of changing for OTHERS. sick and tired!

Cause I am fragile. I am so fragile from my past. vulnerable and scared to let anyone in. 
I am hopeless. Hopeless for the future. hopeless for school. lots of hopelessness..some hopefulness.
I'm not perfect. Not in any way at all. i find flaws everyday. but i am growing from them
But I am free. So so so free from all of the things i used to be. and what used to define me.

I've been walking around all day, Waiting. I wait & wait instead of making what i want to happen, HAPPEN!
And waiting is all I seem to do. It's ALL i do. i want to be proactive. i want to do things. but i wait.
Cause I never get it unless I'm fed it. I was spoon fed everything. it's biting me in the butt now.
But this time I'll just have to. Time to start doing it on my own i guess.
Yeah this time I'll just have to. Get off my butt and start getting what I WANT. 

Cause I am fragile. I am so fragile from my past. vulnerable and scared to let anyone in. 
I am hopeless. Hopeless for the future. hopeless for school. lots of hopelessness..some hopefulness.
I'm not perfect. Not in any way at all. i find flaws everyday. but i am growing from them
But I am free. So so so free from all of the things i used to be. and what used to define me.

Say you're not around, Am I finished? I'm tired of being defined by the others in my life. it's MY life.
If you're not around, that's too bad. Out of sight, out of mind. I'm better off without you. 
Hope you're safe and sound, not alone now. You don't deserve the worst and I'll love you forever.
Cause you know I believe in you. You meant so much to me. you'll always have a place in my heart.

Cause I am fragile. I am so fragile from my past. vulnerable and scared to let anyone in. 
I am hopeless. Hopeless for the future. hopeless for school. lots of hopelessness..some hopefulness.
I'm not perfect. Not in any way at all. i find flaws everyday. but i am growing from them
But I am free. So so so free from all of the things i used to be. and what used to define me.

Cause I am fragile. I am so fragile from my past. vulnerable and scared to let anyone in. 
I am hopeless. Hopeless for the future. hopeless for school. lots of hopelessness..some hopefulness.
I'm not perfect. Not in any way at all. i find flaws everyday. but i am growing from them
But I am free. So so so free from all of the things i used to be. and what used to define me.

Cause I am fragile, But growing everyday. stronger and stronger.
hopeless, But i hope for less hopelessness everyday.
I'm not perfect, But learning to be okay with who i am. people love me for me. imperfections and all.
But I am free. Free from my past because I'm finally learning to love it. its a part of me. forever & always

oh oh oh oh...




If these lyrics don't explain my mood perfectly, nothing else will.


My head and heart have been clouded recently. and i still cant think straight. but this makes some of the nonsense going on upstairs. 


If you've never heard of this song. DOWNLOAD IT. It's amazing and everyone can relate. What's not to like?