I've been wondering why I've been in such a bad mood lately. And why I keep gossiping and talking about people I love behind their backs. (Completely inexcusable and rude, I know, but I take FULL responsibility for it) and I finally figured out it was because it had been SO LONG since I left everything I was feeling here. The whole reason for the creation of this blog was so that I could say what I wanted without spreading the hate and meanness that spawns from gossip.
I don't know why I feel the need to talk about others. Why do I think I'm any better than anyone. I'm not. But my desire to find 'new dirt' on people is absolutely ridiculous. And I hate it so much. That's not who I am and that is so not how my momma raised me. At. All. I guess spending so much time with the same friends everyday will has made me more aware of it. When girls get together, it's practically instinct to talk shit. Honestly, it's exciting, it's fun, and of course everyone wants to be in the loop of what's changed or who did what with who last night.
But why do we care so much? It's not like what everyone else does effects our daily lives. Yeah, sometimes it can. But why do we let it alter our lives. That's not fair. Why have we decided that our life can be permanently impacted by why others do and say? Why can we not be okay with letting everything roll of our backs? Where has all our confidence in ourselves gone? And is it too far away to ever get back to the mindset of how we were in kindergarten? Where nothing mattered except who had more crayons and whose mom had packed a better lunch with more sweets.
It's questions like this that drive me crazy. I lie in my bed at night just pondering these things. I think I'm pretty, I think I'm nice, I think a lot of great things about myself, but as soon as I'm around others, all of that is completely gone and all I can focus on is how bad my skin is, or how big my legs are, or how I really need to get my eyebrows waxed. Regardless of how I actually look that day, even if my skins clear, I'm wearing jeans, or if I just got my eyebrows done, I always revert to the little self conscious 8th grader I am inside. The girl who tried way too freaking hard to be someone she wasn't. The girl who pretended she was always okay and that everything was perfect when inside she was lonely and so so so unhappy with who she was because she couldn't stop comparing herself to the beautiful girls she saw everyday. So she covered her 'flaws' with TONS of makeup, her sister's clothes, and humor. She took pride in being funny. 'If they were laughing, then they aren't focused on how horrible I look today' she would tell herself. That's the girl deep down inside of me. The girl I've only let ONE person truly see. That little girl is what make me, me. She will always be a part of me, and I'm proud of her when a little bit of her shows. But I get so mad at myself when I cover her up. When I lie to people about why I wear makeup and why I go running I get so pissed off at myself. I don't know why I try and cover myself up. I almost feel as though if I lie, it will just make life easier. If no one knows, then no harm no foul. When I let people into that part of my life, I have nothing to fall back on. No fake things to run back to. And that scares me to death.
And it's not like I'm not genuine or real or anything like that. Completely two different areas of life. I'm a real friend, and a real daughter and everything like that. I'm down to earth and thank my lucky stars everyday for everything I have. I just wish I could have the confidence to show how confidently I am on the inside, on the outside. I love who I am on the inside, but there are somedays where I absolutely hate who I am on the outside.
I'm almost 19 years old. Why can't all these petty little self esteem issues just go away? No one ever said that I was supposed to hate who I am or anything about myself. So why do I? Which part of society thought it was cool to make innocent girls hate who they are? To hide the BEAUTIFUL person they are on the inside. Why should I have to hide who I am so that I feel better about myself? That doesn't even make sense.
But it's almost impossible not to care what people have to say or think. It's almost like we thrive off it. We feel so accomplished if someone likes something about us. But how much better would you feel about yourself if people LOVED you for something that was really a big part of us. That secret thrill we get from someone complementing our favorite part of our body or laughing at our joke would be all the time. Instead, we usually get noticed for the things we change about ourselves for the other people. How dumbbbbbbbb! If people can't like me for the things I am and stand for? F them! I like me, and that's all that should matter.
This is definitely a 'mental work in progress' for me. But I think it's about time for me to start maturing. This who issue eats away at me and I want to resolve it so I can help others through it. To see the so called 'light' at the end of this long tunnel of being a teenager. We'll see I guess :)
