I pray for you everyday. All the time. Every single time I think about you I pray for you. And every time it is for the same thing. I pray that you NEVER have to endure the kind of pain that comes from a heart break. I would never wish this feeling upon my worst enemy. No one deserves feeling unwanted, or unloved. The feeling of having your whole world ripped right out from underneath you. Your life turned upside down. You have no idea where to turn and you have no idea what to do next. Lost is the only word to use. You look at the person who did this, this awful, terrible, unbearable thing, to you, and they seem fine. Like nothing is wrong. And it absolutely KILLS you inside. And you pretend you're okay, and that lasts a few weeks with the help of your best friends and then all of a sudden the days get harder for you to not cry and you think about him all the time. You felt so strong for a while by yourself, and you spent so long telling yourself you'll be okay and you're better off without him, and then all of a sudden, YOU AREN'T. You aren't as strong by yourself as you've told yourself. You feel everything start to crumble and you realize just how alone you are. Yes, you have your best friends, you have the Lord, but that irreplaceable feeling of being loved that's gone leaves the biggest whole in your heart ever and you walk around every single day when that aching is going to go away. And you wonder what you could have possible done differently and what made you all of a sudden SO UNLOVABLE for someone to throw away the past years. You walk around with so much shame and regret from every single tiny mistake you made with him. Whether it was starting a stupid fight, or not grabbing his hand when you knew he wanted you too, or letting him hang out with his friends instead of you. And that pain in your head and heart kills. It kills. I've never felt anything like i before. And there is nothing you can do about it. Nothing magically makes it go away. And life is not like the movies. Hot boys do not come out of the blue. They do not instantly want you. And you start to realize how you've taken the last years for granted. Every dinner, every time he let's you pick the movie, every kiss, hug and text with a smilie face. And that is the worst. Knowing you will never have that with him ever again.
And I had no intention of writing this to freak you out, or scare you. this is just a way of showing you how much i love you, and how much i want you to believe in Brady and you guys. This ride, called life, sucks, but if you can hold on to the person you love, it makes it so worth it.
We weren't as close when all this started to happen and I just wanted to catch you up on how I have been feeling for the last 6 months. It's actually taken me this long to be able to put it in words. But i do love you, best friend. And if i had a little sister, i would give this to her, but I don't so by default it's for you :) <3
